justleah on life

I have only ever had two serious boyfriends in my short life and by serious I mean, men I have dated for longer than six months and who have met my mother....more than once.

 

My first relationship was when I was nineteen and I was all in love.

 

The kind of ‘in love’ where your life revolves only around that one guy that you absolutely adore.

The kind of ‘in love’ that makes you blind to all the terrible things in the world and makes you see only the good.

The kind of ‘in love’ that makes you feel physical pain whenever you are away from each other. Coz you miss each other that much....

The kind of ‘in love’ that they call ‘puppy love’.  I did not know any better.

 

So I was overly and insanely in love and when you love someone, they have to be part of your life. They meet your friends and they meet your family (brothers, sisters, cousins etc...), and then, they meet your dad and your mum.

 

I grew up in a family where relationship topics were not clearly put out there.

The closest we would get to a talk on relationships was some random statements from my mum...something like;

“ You better be careful out there, men are not good”

“ I don’t want any grandchildren yet”

“ If you’re not careful, you will end up like K (the neighbours daughter who dropped out and got    pregnant )”

 

And there was an all time classic statement that would be uttered any time we were dressed and saying our goodnights before leaving for the club...

“Watu wajichunge!” That is Swahili for people “People should be careful.”

 

That’s how distant and impersonal the relationships talks were.

 

Given that background, you can understand why I have never gone home and said, “Mum, this is N, he is my boyfriend.”

No thank you. I developed a unique introduction approach.

 

I took my first boyfriend home and just introduced him as N.

Soon he was at my house every day.

Soon he was helping me make dinner for the family when it was my turn.

Soon he was helping with suggestions for where my brother could go to school.

Soon my brother was enrolled at his former high school

Soon, my mother did not have to guess anymore. It was too obvious.

 

I never however could tell what my mum thought about him or our relationship though.

She was always polite with him. Hello, how are you? Welcome, Oh, you’re leaving. Be careful. Goodbye.

 

Don’t get me wrong, the random statements (read relationship advice) still continued.

This time more geared at making sure I was not having any sexual relations before am thirty.

One time at an attempt to explain how you might end up in that situation even if you had not planned, she took a few more minutes that would usually take for just a statement.

“...but mum, we were only kissing. There is no harm in that. People in relationships kiss all the      

  time.”

“You know, when people kiss, it releases so hormones in the body that make you want to touch and then you find yourselves touching and before you know it you are in a position that you do not want to be in. I do not want to be grandmother yet.”

 

My relationship with N ended one and a half years later.

 

Five years later, I am in another serious relationship. This is a special on because just like the first one I am ‘in love’, but a different kind of ‘in love’.

 

The kind of ‘in love’ where your life revolves around all the important aspects of your life including the relationship.

The kind of ‘in love’ that opens you up to the beauty of the world not blind to the evil in the world.

The kind of ‘in love’ that makes you feel physical pain whenever you are away from each other. Coz you miss each other that much.... (This never changes, at least with me!)

The kind of ‘in love’ that I call, real love. I still do not know any better.

 

This ‘in love’ is also different as I am not staying at home or in my home country and most importantly, I am dating Y, who is not a Kenyan.

 

Y is a big part of my life and I really wanted him to meet my mum. I also wanted my mum to visit me in Ghana and see the country. It would be good for a stress free holiday.

 

So I invited my mum over. Y and I picked her up at the airport and I guess between the Airport and her hotel, she had it figured out.

She asked me whether I had invited her so that I would introduce her to Y.  This is how she asked:

 

“I was speaking to your aunt and she thinks you invited me over to meet someone...ha ha...”

 

I had to sort of confirm that it was true but that that was not the main reason.

She was polite and warm towards Y and they actually had a lot to talk about.

 

We took her to the historic and tourist sites in Ghana and since Y is such a good narrator and has a wealth of knowledge about his country...he had my mum hanging on to his last word.

 

They also shared a common knowledge and love for nature and I would sometimes feel like an outsider in their conversations.

This was going better than expected. However, I still did not know what she thought about him.

 

One night we went for dinner just mummy and me so that we could catch up on our own lives.

We talked about work, my siblings, her life, my life and the other hundreds of relatives.

 

Finally we reached the Y part of the conversation and she asked a few questions about him to check the minimum requirements I guess.

 

Then, just as though I had pressed a button, the statements began.

 

“Someone should be careful when it comes to relationships.”

“Y is much older than you and he has more life experience.”

 

“Someone should focus on their career first then a serious relationship. Do masters then plan to get a family”

 

“At the right time, everything will fall in place but first someone should focus on their career.”

 

“I do not want to be a grandmother yet.”

 

Well, I had never heard so many statements made at one go. Usually, they come in random processions.

However, the questions remained the same...what every woman wants to know about mummy and him...

 

Does she like him?

Does she think he is a good guy for me?

Does she like our relationship?

Does she see a future for us?

 

However, no answers, just statements.

 

I think this will be as much as my mummy and I get, when it comes to talking about the men in my life.

 

At the core of it, I guess some things just never change.